Farewell to Paradise

By Nadja Lee

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: “Star trek” and all the characters here belong to Gene Roddenberry, Paramount and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Right after the events in episode 25 “This site of Paradise”.

Universe: ST: TOS.

Pairing: None really but if there are any they are as indicated in the episode “This site of Paradise”.

Summary: Spock comes to terms with the love he lost. Follow just after the episode “This Side Of Paradise”.

Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: PG

Series: None

Warnings: A very old fic, written very quickly. One of my first fics ever. Be warned!

* * *

Jim looked at Spock in shock after what he had just heard. Was it really the first time in his life Spock had been happy? Only under the influence of some mind altering spores, which helped his emotions to come free? What an agonizing thought. Jim himself was the closest person to Spock as he was to him, no one meant more in Jim’s heart yet still even he would never truly be able to understand how hard it must be for a man who stood with one leg in two so different cultures as the Vulcan and the human was. Had Spock’s life so far only been filled with pain and suffering? He had to have had some memories of happiness, didn’t he? Even Jim who had lost family members and friends in brutal ways still held happy memories of his past.

Though he knew he had had to get Spock to see that his mind was being tampered with he had known as he had done so that Spock would never admit to love when he was himself, instead returning to his lonesome nature that often only Jim fought to break him out of. Jim held a wave of guilt that he who was Spock’s closest friend had hard and brutally torn him away from his lover and from the only happiness he had ever known and sadly also quite possibly ever would know. When he looked at Spock he could see the pain in his eyes even though he tried to hide it. Jim knew he had taken the right decision; the happy emotions had been falsely induced but he hadn’t realized how much it would hurt to know that he had been the one to have torn Spock away from his Paradise and back to controlled life which he had just told him held so little joy for him.

2 weeks later:

Jim sighed as he sat alone in his quarters after duty, his mind on Spock. Ever since he had returned from "Paradise”, he had been what McCoy called double Vulcan. He did not spend time with anyone when off duty not even Jim. All the small signs that Spock despite all his attempts and assurances to the contrary had had of humanity was now completely gone. He only touched others if it was strictly necessary and in the line of duty, to Jim’s sadness and pain he even tried to avoid his touches. Worse still was that if he spoke to anyone at all it was only in reply to questions and he only responded with facts. Even the harmless teasing that the three of them, McCoy, Spock and himself played from time to time, especially McCoy and Spock, was something he did not want to be a part of anymore.

Bones had told him that he had noticed that Spock did not eat and that he was spotted going to the observatory and just stand there looking at the stars half the night. Jim knew that Vulcans could go for a long time without both sleep and food but he also know that Spock only did something like this if there was something seriously wrong. But the worst part was that Spock's eyes that always used to betray his human emotions that he could not voice were as eyes made from frozen tears. Jim could not see anything at all in the ones always soft, loving but sad eyes.

It could not go on like this. If for nothing else it was breaking Jim's heart to see his friend in so such pain and so different and it was driving him crazy that he did not react like he used to. More than pain then Jim felt guilty for Spock’s grief even if he knew that he had done what he had had to.

Having tried for the two weeks since it happened to reach Spock Jim decided it was time to ask some advice.

“McCoy, please come to my room, ”Jim asked into the intercommunication system and was rewarded with an “I’m on my way,” from Bones. A few minutes later McCoy knocked on his door and Jim let him in. He looked also as bad as Jim who himself had ate and slept little due to his feelings of guilt and sadness over Spock’s condition. The doctor too seemed worried.

“What is wrong, Bones?” Jim asked him worried, concerned that another of his friends might not be feeling well and he wasn’t sure if he could take that on top of Spock’s distance. Jim indicated a chair and Bones sat opposite him. For a moment Bones just looked at him. Then he shook his head sadly and said, “I was really wrong, wasn’t I?” His voice sounded tired. At Jim’s confused look Bones elaborated, “with Spock. He has all the emotions that we have he just don’t know how to express them.”

Jim had never seen McCoy so open and honest before in regard to Spock and was a bit taken back by it. But he knew that come morning Bones would be as cynical and complaining as always. It was just the way, the only way that Bones could give Spock his friendship.

“Yes, he has. But I have always known that,” Jim said gently before he explained with a clarity he rarely gave his relationships, “Spock’s and my friendship has grown so strong over the cause of time because I just accept him like he is. I gladly accept what he can give instead of drawling on what he can’t give.”

Bones nodded in understanding, knowing now why Kirk and Spock had the reputation of being inseparable, soulmates in the truest sense of the word.

“What should we do, Jim?” again Bones explained further at Jim’s questioning look, “With Spock I mean. How do we get our Spock back instead of that walking computer?”

Jim could not stop himself from laughing. “I though that you meant that our Spock already was a walking computer!”

“Not like this, Jim. What are we going to do?”

Before Jim could answer there was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” Jim said and the door opened to reveal Uhura, looking stunning in a green/gold dress that showed she was off duty as well. She nodded respectfully to her senior officers and smiled at them though worry was in her eyes as she stood before them. “Captain, Doctor. I was just worried about Mr. Spock and thought maybe something was wrong that I should know about.”

Jim nodded, his expression grim as he with a hand asked her to sit.

“We are off duty. You can call me Jim, you know,” he said with his most winning smile. Uhura instinctively smiled back. Dressed in golden colours a smile from Jim was like seeing a sun go nova.

“Jim, what are we to do?” she asked as she had seated herself.

“Do we even know that is wrong with him?” McCoy asked.

“I will say he’s suffering from his first heartache after having left Leila even though he will properly rather die then admit it to us,” Jim said seriously, sure that this was no real secret as they had been seen together on the planet and thus he wasn’t betraying Spock’s confidence.

“Ah ha! Has someone tried to talk with him?” McCoy asked, looking pleased despite himself that Spock’s pain was an effect of a human emotion.

“Yes, almost all the senior officers,” Uhura said and then looked at him and added, “Even you’ve tried, right, Sir?”

Jim nodded. “Yes,” he replied. He had tried repeatedly. Had even asked Spock to his quarters and had told him of some of the heartaches he himself had had and told him it would get better but had gotten no response. “I got it!” Jim suddenly said and all eyes were on him. “You’re right that several of us have tried to speak to him but we have all been men. Maybe…” Uhura interrupted him with a frown.

“But I’ve also tried to speak with him.”
”Alone?”
”Well, no,” she admitted.

“Maybe he needs a woman’s touch and you’re the only one who knows him well enough that he might open up to you in private,” Jim continued.

McCoy and Uhura looked doubtful. “You’re his best friend, the one person who’s closer to him than anyone. If he can’t speak to you about this…” Uhura began, doubt clear in her voice.

“Though Vulcans is no longer a warrior race then they still have some very hierarchical customs,” at their interested looks Jim continued, “Don't you see it? Spock has problems showing his emotions. Perhaps is it something that he will rather talk with a woman about.” At this both men looked at the beautiful officer.

“Of course will I talk to Spock. I just did not think that he would talk to me about this,” she said with a blush.

“I think you underestimate yourself,” Jim said softly, making her blush even more. Before his voice got more serious. “Perhaps he won't speak with you but if there’s a chance…”

“I will try,” she promised as she left.

* * *

Soon after Uhura knocked at Spock's door, fighting down her own nervousness. She really hoped Spock wouldn’t see this as invasion of the privacy Vulcans valued so highly. No one answered. She knocked again.

“Who is it?” Spock’s deep emotionless voice sounded from behind the door.

“It’s Uhura.”

“What do you want, Lieutenant Uhura?” he asked her through the door.

“I want to talk to you,” she said and tried to hide how wounded she felt ever that he did not call her by name but by title. As if they were strangers.

“I am off duty. We have nothing to discuss.”

She took a deep breath to try and calm herself.

“I think we do,” Uhura insisted and was beginning to get mad. Sometimes that man could be so childishly stubborn.

“No, we do not. Good night, Lieutenant,” Spock’s voice was diffidently dismissive.

Oh, no you don't. You do not get away from this so easily, she thought. By pushing some buttons on the door panel the door open for her. It had its advantages to be Communications Officer and to have dated a computer genius who had a talent for being able to break encrypted messages when all codes went though her in encrypted form. Spock looked rather surprised up at her when she came in. He sat at his desk but it did not look like he was getting much work done. The air was much warmer then in the rest of the ship but she was used to it from her homeland of Africa. She seated herself in a chair at his side. He looked tired and worn out even for a Vulcan. Her anger was instantly replaced by compassion and sympathy. She pulled a chair over and sat closely beside him, fighting the urge to take his hand in her own.

“Tell me what's wrong, ” she asked softly and put a hand on his arm. He looked shocked at her over her boldness. Everybody else had respected that he did not want physical contact.

When he looked into her beautiful face and only read love and concern he could not help but to compare her with the mystical beings Earthmen called angels.

“It is al right. You can trust me,” she added softly. It was all he needed to know. He needed someone now. He needed a woman's kindness and gentleness. Without a word he put his head at her shoulder and began to cry softly. He cried for all the loneliness he had had to face, he cried for the love that he only in his dreams could call his own and he cried for all what he had lost and all what he would never have.

Uhura stroked him softly over the hair. Softly she began to sing a song in Swahili and her lovely voice seemed like a warm and lovely embrace that promised love and a better future. It was as if she understood him and took a part of his loneliness into herself and gave him love and warmth instead. After what seemed an eternity but could have been minutes he slowly lifted his head. She smiled at him. In so many ways he was still a child, inexperienced with almost anything remotely connected to emotions. Impulsive she bent down and kissed him lovely, motherly on the cheek before she wiped his tears away with gentle fingers. For a moment she thought she felt his arms around herself Then he was himself again, his face once more held in controlled folds.

“Thank you, Uhura, ” he whispered, his eyes and face saying all his words didn’t. She smiled and nodded.

Once again she could in Spock’s eyes see the windows to his soul. Spock had returned.

The next day:

Uhura went into her room after her shift on the bridge had ended. Everything was as it used to be with Spock. Only his eyes looked as if they contained more sadness then they had before. Jim had been overjoyed and had promised that she could pick out a present as a thank you gift went next they had shore leave.

Spock had been very nice to her on the bridge or at least as nice as Spock got with anyone who wasn’t Jim. He had called her by her name and he had not been afraid to touch her shoulder when he went by her. She knew that if she ever had a problem she could count on Spock to help her. Her attention was caught by a small package on her bed. It was packed in beautiful reddish paper. Inside was a beautiful old carillon. On a note it read:

To an angel so she can play along with other angels.

- Spock

Something made her turn the note over and on the other side of it Spock had written:

Thank you, Uhura, my friend.

Uhura smiled happily. More than ever she had seen that her assessment of Spock as a fantastic man was correct. But more than anything he was a complex man.

She had worked with him and also been with him in her time off duty for a long time now yet still she did not know him. Probably nobody did. Maybe except the captain. But no one else. A complex man and a man who carried a lot of pain with him. The captain also held a lot of pain inside but bravely he kept throwing himself into the flames again and again while Spock was like the child who has touched the fire, afraid to try again, drawing back. Never had she met a man who could be childish, wise, logical, nice, kind and helpful yet still had known almost nothing but pain for so long. Would he ever find more happiness than the one he found here with Starfleet? With Jim and the others? Would he ever love and be loved again? God knew that he deserved more than this. He had rescued the ship many times and McCoy, herself and especially Jim even more often. He did not deserve to be so unhappy. She would pray that he would find happiness again. Just for a moment. But deep within herself she doubted that her prayers would ever be heard.

The End