By Nadja Lee
English is not my
native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: “Star trek” and all the characters here belong to Gene Roddenberry, Paramount and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only
the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author.
Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of
the author.
Timeline:
Right after the events in episode 78 “All Our Yesterdays”.
Universe: ST: TOS.
Pairing: Spock/
Zarabeth as indicated in the episode “All Our Yesterdays”.
Summary:
Spock comes to terms with the love he lost. Follow just after the episode “All
Our Yesterdays”.
Archiving:
Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please.
My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.
Rating: PG
Series: None
Warnings: A very old
fic, written very quickly. One of my first fics ever. Be warned!
* * *
Kirk looked shocked as the old man disappeared into the time portal and
disappeared. He was lucky he had managed to get free of the time he had been
stuck in and had gotten Bones and Spock back as well. He cast a worried glance
at Spock. He looked sad, tired somehow. Spock comment to Bones that the woman
he had cared for had been 5000 years in the past didn’t comfort him at all. He
didn’t know what Spock had been through but Jim swore that he would do
everything he could to make Spock feel better.
“She may be gone and she may have been dead for over 5000 years but for
you it was only 2 minutes since you saw her for the last time,” Bones said to
Spock with surprisingly gentleness that only made Jim even more worried. Bones
was only this nice to Spock if something was very wrong.
“I will grieve for her. But not here and not now, “Spock said softly but
sternly, closing the subject. Only someone how knew Spock as well as Jim and
McCoy did could se the pain in his eyes. Before McCoy could say what he thought
of Spock’s answer Jim told them to hurry, this planet’s sun was about to go
nova. A few moments later they were onboard the Enterprise and on their way to
another planet and Spock seemed oblivious to the concerned looks Bones and Jim
cast him.
3 weeks later:
He could not forget her. No matter how much he told himself that it was
illogical he could not stop himself. He could not help but to remember.
Remember her eyes, her face, her voice and her beauty. Spock sat in his room
late at night and knew he needed sleep before his shift started but she haunted
his dreams. He tried to mediate but his thoughts kept drifting back in time.
Back to Zarabeth and there brief but happy time together A memory flashed to
him again. They were on her warm bed made of skins and Spock stroked a lock of
hair behind Zarabeth’s ear. She seemed even more beautiful than ever with her
cheeks flaming with the afterglow of lovemaking and her eyes were full of love.
“I love you,” she said softly and caressed his cheek. Something inside
him said that something was wrong. That he should stop. This wasn’t right. He
shouldn’t feel this content, this free. But his heart won the short struggle
with his head. And somehow he felt that time was short even though he
desperately tried to convince himself of the opposite.
“I love you, too, ”he replied and found that he did mean the words. He
loved her with all the desperate longing of someone who has always wished to
find love and so very rarely has. At her answering smile of happiness at his
words he brought his lips to hers and sealed the pledge of love between them
forever.
He was suddenly torn out of his memories when someone knocked on his
door. He fought to regain the control he had lost. It was probably Jim who came
back, again, to try and cheer him up and to pretend as if he was not hovering
worried around his best friend.
“Come in,” he said, pleased that his voice sounded clam and under
control. He hoped he could get Jim to leave quickly. He couldn’t take much more
of his friend’s obvious empathy with him when he himself was torn between
longing for Zarabeth and feeling guilty for ever having loved her and for even
thinking about her again at all. What was, was. It wasn’t logical to want what
couldn’t be but his heart seemed determined to ruin his Vulcan disciple.
His hope that he could get rid of his guest quickly so he could be left
him peace bust when he saw it was Dr. McCoy who came in. Without asking
permission the doctor seated himself across from Spock and he knew the doctor
unlike Jim wouldn’t be as gentle with him nor respect his request for privacy
to find his balance again.
“Will you tell me what it on your mind?” McCoy asked, his voice taking
on a soft note behind his mild concern.
“I do not know what you mean, Doctor,” Spock said coolly, trying to
drive the doctor away.
“Ah, Don't give me that. I am the doctor around here. Everyone knows
that something is wrong but only I know what,” McCoy said strongly.
“And that it?” Spock asked and tried to sound as if he did not care even
though his heart began to beat faster. McCoy’s face and voice softened.
“You are in sorrow. You loved Zarabeth and now she is gone. From one
moment to another,” McCoy said gently.
“What will you have me say?” Spock asked tiredly, all his conflicting
emotions coming through in all he didn’t say. In that moment McCoy could read a
sorrow, a longing so great that it almost made him cry in Spock’s dark eyes.
“I do not wish a confession for your love for her or a confession of
your humanity. I only wish for you to admit what are facts. You loved her.
Admit it to yourself and then say your goodbye to her,” McCoy suggested warmly.
“You do not understand…” Spock began, already warming up to a lecture on
Vulcans and the lack of emotions.
“Now listen, you pointed eared Vulcan, ” McCoy said angrily. “You have
not eaten since you left her,” he raised a hand to forestall Spock’s instant
reply to that, “I am well aware that Vulcans can go for a long period of time
without food, but you always do this when something is wrong. And it never
works because you have a human problem and you can’t solve it with a Vulcan
solution,” McCoy’s voice was serious as he added with his usual tough love,
“Now either you do something about this or I will have you relieved of duty.
Understood?” McCoy finished his cheeks hot from anger and his eyes shinning
with a deep concern he would never admit to.
“Yes, Doctor,” Spock said merely and knew that McCoy was only worried
for him. McCoy was very easy to read emotionwise. The doctor nodded, beaming
with satisfaction and left.
Spock walked back and forth in his room after McCoy had left. Now he was
absolutely sure that he had done the right thing when he had spared Jim the
heartache over losing Rayna by erasing the memory from his brain. Even though
it had been a, by Vulcan norm, illogical and forbidden thing to do he had still
done it for his friend and soulmate. Spock’s thoughts return to Zarabeth. He
saw her face in his mind’s eye and imagined himself in her warm, loving embrace
once more. Then he thought about how lonely and unhappy she must have been,
living out her lifetime alone in an ice age. She had not needed the heartache
that losing him must have brought her. All he could hope for was that the
memory of their time together might bring her some hope and warmth instead of
more hurt and pain. Suddenly the room seemed to close in on him and he needed
some air. He went to the observatory. Everything was quiet and there was no one
there but then it was also in the middle of the night. He looked out at the
stars. He thought he saw her face made of stars and painted by stardust. In
that moment he admitted what his heart had know all along. He had loved her.
Not just because of the setback in time but fully and completely. Had loved
every part of her with his human heart, had adored her with his mind and had
given her his entire soul, both the Vulcan part and the human part. And now she
was no more…gone and lost to him forever. Silently tears began to run down his
cheeks. The most human of gestures to the most human of women. Not since his
early childhood had he cried but now there was a wall of pain that the tears,
which fell like the rain, tried to break down.
“Zarabeth, my love. I love you and I will continue to love you and keep
your memory safe. We were both condemned to loneliness and unhappiness and only
stole a moment of forever for our love, ” his voice was soft and tearful,
granting her this loss of control. She was worth this show of love and pain.
“Goodbye, my love,” with one last look at the mental image of her face Spock
locked her memory safely away inside himself and wiped his tears ago.
He wouldn’t mourn her again and he wouldn’t miss her again. He would
return to what he had been before he had met her but from time to time when he
was alone he would take out the memories he had of her and gaze upon them with
the same sense of loss, longing and beauty that he had had in his eyes and
heart when he as a young boy had looked out on the stars and had wondered if
not there was something better for him out there…somewhere.
“Goodbye.”
With that last word Spock left and decided to ask Jim if he wanted to
play chess or another game tonight. It would calm his friend down and a few
hours together would lift both their spirits. Walking towards the captain’s
quarters he mentally noted that he had to thank McCoy…but that would wait. When
Spock entered Jim’s quarters he had once again found his balance. Jim was
overjoyed when he ordered Spock a meal and he ate it. Jim’s happiness over
Spock’s wellbeing made him once again feel the familiar sense of contentment
and happiness he always felt in Jim’s nearness, finally letting go of his loss,
guilt and sorrow over Zarabeth.