By Nadja Lee
English is not my
native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: “Star Trek” and all the characters here belong to Gene Roddenberry, Paramount and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only
the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author.
Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of
the author.
Timeline:
During the first 5 year mission.
Universe: ST: TOS.
Pairing: Spock/OFC,
Kirk/ Miramanee
Summary:
Kirk and Spock remember their deceased wives...
Archiving:
Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please.
My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.
Rating: PG
Series: Sequel to
“Paradise Lost”
Warnings: A very old
fic, written very quickly. One of my first fics ever. Be warned!
* * *
McCoy looked at his friends. Even since he had gone up to the bridge
this morning he could tell that something was wrong. It was easy to see on Jim.
He seemed distanced and uninterested. It was a little harder with Spock. But it
was there. A moment's hesitation in his answers, a far away look in his eyes.
After two hours with Jim and Spock were both pretended that everything
was as it used to be but everyone could feel the tense atmosphere in the room
that grow thicker by the minute McCoy had had enough.
“Captain, Spock may I talk to you both for a moment?” he asked, his
question directed as Jim who as captain had to agree to it.
“Not now. We are busy, ” Jim answered for both of them. Yes, busy in
your dreams, McCoy thought sarcastically. It had been a slow day and they were
nowhere near any potentially dangerous situation. Nothing dangerous had happen
in a month.
“Right now,” at Jim’s instant look of denial he added strongly,
“doctor’s orders.” When he could see that both Spock and Jim looked ready to
protest despite this he added, “Okay, then. You are both relieved of duty for
the rest of the day,” he ignored the shocked expressions he got. As CMO this
was within his right and he was sure that Kirk and Spock’s distraction could
have had dangerous consequences had they been in an explosive situation. “Sulu,
you take over,” he said and the young man looked uncertainly between the doctor
and the captain, not moving from his seat as long as the captain wasn’t.
Jim sighed and waved Spock to his side. Together they followed the
Doctor out and Kirk waved Sulu over to take his place. No one said a word until
they reacted Jim's quarters where they seated themselves around the table.
“Well, what is wrong?” McCoy asked as no one seemed eager to start the
conversation.
“Wong? Why nothing is wrong, Doctor, ” Spock answered and Jim nodded his
agreement. McCoy began to get just a little tired of this game. Why did he
always have to force these two stubborn men to feel better?
“Now stop it, ” McCoy said angrily. And when he saw that Jim obviously
thought that he talked to Spock alone he added, “You, too.” Jim gave him his
‘Who Me?’ look. Really sometimes his friends acted like children. “Now, tell me
the truth,” he demanded. “And no more talking around the subject, ” McCoy added
more gently as he noticed the pain in their eyes that they both tried to hide.
Both men remained stubbornly quiet. They both hated to share their pain with
others. Including him. They sat as if they were being questioned about
Starfleet secrets by Klingons and not talking with their friend.
“I will not declare you mentally fit for duty before you both talks
about this. It is obviously eating you up alive,” McCoy insisted, knowing he
had to threaten his friends before they did what they had to in order to get
better.
No one said a word, Jim crossed his arms over his chest and Spock raised
an eyebrow at McCoy.
“Man, one should think you were to a funeral,” McCoy complained. Both
men looked at him with eyes full of shock and pain before they could hide it.
McCoy smiled as the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.
“That's it. Is it not?” McCoy asked triumphantly. Only silence met him
but it confirmed his suspicions.
“Ok, Jim. You start since I can sit and question Spock for weeks and not
get a word from him.
Jim sighed. Then it was as if the weight off his pain became too much
for even him. He looked at McCoy and his eyes said what the words did not.
“Miramanee would be 23 years old today. She counted years in summers but
I converted the circa date she gave me and her planet’s measurement of years
into ours and as far as I figured today would have been her birthday,” Jim said
quietly, betraying that he had spend a lot of time on this, making McCoy worry
about the almost obsessive nature of his research of his dead wife. McCoy
looked with compassion at him. Spock looked shocked at Jim’s revelation.
“Strange, ” he said quietly, making gotten his reaction under control.
“What is?” Jim and McCoy asked at the same time.
“Elina would be 25 years old today, ” Spock said softly. McCoy and Jim
could see the pain in his eyes and hear it in his voice. Spock's pain was
different from his, Jim thought. Jim had learned to love again. Despite having
lost his wife and unborn child, despite the pain he had felt he had still
managed to move on. He always did. He loved, he lost, he hurt…but he went on.
Jim wasn’t sure if Spock could ever move on. He had giving Elina all what he
had. His heart, his soul everything that was him. There was no more left to
give.
Jim and Spock shared a meaningful glance and McCoy could see that he was
no more needed, so he left. He was happy what he had been able to help his
friends to share their burdens with each other.
“I grieve with thee, ” Jim said gently in the traditional Vulcan way.
Spock nodded and said.
“As I grieve with thee.”
A look shared between them said everything. They knew each other's pains
and without a word Jim put his arms around Spock and for the first time he
hugged his friend close, letting him know he understood even without any words
having been spoken. Spock let Jim’s colder skin but warm embrace ease his
suffering and he returned the embrace. The moment lasted for a few minutes or
forever, it was all the same but when they drew apart the intense pain inside
had fainted from both of their hearts.
Later Spock stood in the observatory. He often came here at night and
remembered Elina. She was still as alive is his heart as the last time he had
seen her. With a sigh he looked up at the stars. They were so beautiful and
remembered him of Elina.
“My wife. In a perfect world we would be together. Inseparably. But this
world is far from perfect and now you live only in my heart, ” Spock whispered
quietly. As he stood there alone he thought for a moment that he could fell
Elina’s warm and loving embrace comforting him and protecting him for the cold
and pain of the world. But then it was gone.
“I will carry you with me in my heart always,” he said gently. In that
moment he looked like an old man who had fought the battle of his life and
lost. But then he found his control again. He went alone out of the door while
the stars bathed him in their silver coloured light.
He was alone as he had always been and always would be. He only had one
support and his name was Jim. Jim, his friend and soulmate. Jim who was his
source of comfort, warmth and love. He sighed. He was going to be all right. He
always made it through. But he could not stop thinking to what prize?
He had lost everything that meant something to him except Jim. And one
day he would lose him as well. The longer lifespan of a Vulcan would make sure
he would feel the loss of his t’hy’la as well before his own death. There was
no room for his needs and wishes in this world. He was not like the others. Had
he not always been alone, outside? He should have got used to the feeling. Get
used to the loneliness and the dark. A shivering went though him. But he
properly never would. Suddenly as he passed by Jim’s quarters his door opened
and his friend invited him inside, into his silent support and light and Spock
smiled inside. As long as he had Jim he was all right. As long as he had Jim he
was never truly alone. What he would do the day he lost Jim was something he
refused to think about. For now he would just enjoy this wonderful constant of
having Jim in his life. As the night dragged on the two soul friends silently
supported each other and the next morning the dark clouds had disappeared,
banished in the light of their shared strength and love.