By Nadja Lee 12/11/03
English is not my
native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: “Stargate: SG-1” and all the characters here belong to MGM and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Between season 5 and 6. Before Jonas joins SG-1.
Universe: Series
Romance: Jonas/Daniel
Summary: Jonas thinks
about Daniel and how much he misses him.
Archiving: Want, ASK,
take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please.
My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.
Rating: PG
Series: None
Webpage: http://nadjalee.50megs.com/
Warnings: Well, this
IS a mild slash fic so…But quite frankly if you have a tolerant grandma then
she could read this one as well *smiles*
Author’s notes:
Bittersweet fic….Careful you don’t get a toothache *LOL*
Dedicated to the angel
of my life; Sorciere. Love you always!
Thanks so much to Dee
Dee for beta! *hugs*
* * *
Emotions have always been unexplainable; why do we love the ones we
love? I do not know. By all accounts you and me should never have been and I
certainly shouldn’t have fallen so fast and so deep but I did. I had never met
anyone like you, Daniel.
Before you entered my life everything was grey and dull. You carried
such warmth and light into my life; I cannot explain just how much that means
to me. I’ve never felt love, never been held like you held me…your eyes…so blue
and so filled with love. I had never seen anything like that.
No one has ever understood me like you did. All my life I was raised in
logic and science but my spirit always wished to soar free. Your spirit could
reach the sky and you taught me how to fly. You broke the chains that kept me
grounded; you gave me wings and helped me rise high above the clouds.
I cannot put into words all you gave me. It only lasted a few weeks but
we lived and loved for a lifetime. There was a connection between us neither of
us could explain though you tried and did as always a brilliant job. I could
spend hours simply watching you, enjoying the view of you. I loved every little
thing about you; your compassion, life, light and warmth. Having you in my
embrace was like holding on to a small sun.
I had never known happiness till you found me and taught me how sweet
love could be. You cared for me, wanted to listen to me…just the way you looked
at me…No one has ever looked at me like that; before or since.
Looking back I could speculate if you somehow knew we would have such
short time together; was that why you gave me the love of a lifetime in a few
weeks time? Even in our happiest moments your eyes held a hint of sadness that
I first now remember.
With the greatest joy also comes the greatest sorrow and the loss of you
nearly broke me. How could you leave me like that? You could at least have let
me join you in death but no; my alien physiology prevented me from dying like
you had, giving me a little protection from the runaway radiation. I was frozen
with terror, like watching a star explode, as you shattered glass and ended
your own life. Every night I see you again and again…dying over and over again.
Sometimes you blame me for it…mostly you just end up dead…cold and alone.
The world started the day I met you and ended the day I lost you but I
could not let you rest in peace. Your memory tormented me with bittersweet
sorrow and I knew I had to try and do something…anything. I left all I knew
behind, I had prayed I could have seen you one last time but they wouldn’t let
me see you…I never got to say goodbye.
I’ve been here for a few months now. They all more or less dislike me
and ignore me but I feel too numb right now to feel much pain over that. What
grieves me the most is that they don’t know how much I loved you…how much you
loved me. It may have been just a flicker of time but it was all the happiness
I ever got. You gave me far more than I ever asked for; your love and your
life…I asked for neither but you being you gave me both without a second
thought. I just pray I can prove myself worthy of your gifts.
I’ve read all there is about Ascension and I hope wherever you may be then
you’re finally at peace. Thinking back you always had a bit of melancholy over
you; you wanted to save everyone but not everyone can or wants to be saved and
I saw how that pained you to admit. Sometimes late at night I think I feel a
warm breeze go around me, embrace me…one time I had even fallen asleep studying
in my desperate eager to prove myself worthy of the gift you gave me…When I
woke up someone had covered me with a blanket and I know no one would have
cared to do so…No one but you. Even now…. even now you care for me and my heart
aches painfully with loss and love at the thought.
They say that grief lessens with time; they lie. I walk in your shadow
and your memory every day; you’re all around me. I cannot let you go but I
cannot share the happiest moments of my life with anyone either…Not that I
could find anyone who would listen to me.
I remember the night before the end; before the world broke down. You
held me tight and I felt safe and loved. I remember you told me of Earth and I
said I would love to see it. You spoke of taking me there; of showing me all
kind of things. It was a great fantasy which now rings so painfully hollow
considering I could see those things now…But not ever with you or anyone else…
Alone again as I was before we met.
I will never regret meeting you despite the agony of losing you. My
guilt and pain is worth the precious moments where I held your love and
affection. Love and loss…love and pain…I don’t think they were ever meant to be
separated; this is what love feels like and it’s the greatest agony and the
greatest joy there is.
The other night I read the last book I hadn’t yet read from the base
library. It was about Earth religion and it spoke of angels. Beings of light,
love and warmth. Beings too good to be true; too warm and caring to survive in
an imperfect world.
My beloved Daniel…My lost love…You must have been an alien to this world
as I am…You were not an Earthling after all. You were an Angel. I see it
now….You must have been an Angel.
The End