Whatever It Takes

08-12-03

By Nadja Lee

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: “Stargate: SG-1” and all the characters here belong to MGM and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Season 6

Universe: Series.

Romance: Jack/Daniel and Jack/Jonas

Summary: Jonas would do anything to be accepted by Jack but is it enough?

Archiving: List archive may have it. Others please follow my ‘want, ASK, take, have’ policy *grins*.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: R

Webpage: http://nadjalee.50megs.com/

Warning: I was depressed when I wrote this story so it is dark and some may find it disturbing. Contains borderline non-con, angst and obviously slash. It’s a sad, lonely, dark and hurting fic. Consider yourselves warned.

Thanks so much to Dee Dee for beta! *hugs*

* * *

It was just a matter of endurance; of strength. There was no other way than this. It was just how things had to be; there really was no more to it than that. This was how it had always been.

For as long back as Jonas could remember his life had not been his own. He didn’t remember if he had been orphaned or abandoned but he had been raised by the state to become the brilliant scientist they had had need for. His childhood years had been spent studying from morning till late night, taking test after test, always having to be the best at everything he was told to do. Failure was not an option and if he should fall behind, threatening to fall by the sheer exhaustion of the hasty pace his teachers had sat for him he knew well the punishment he would get. The larger and larger amount of knowledge they had insisted he absorbed in shorter and shorter time periods had been painful as well as stressful and had resulted in him having been to several trips to the hospital. Some had been because he had simply exhausted himself completely and some from the bloody beatings an enraged and disappointed teacher had given him if he failed to live up to expectations sat so high they could reach the sky. Still he had tried. He had fought and had worked as hard as he could. Fear of punishment and the disappointment in his teachers’ eyes had driven him onward, working far beyond his normal endurance, pushing his pain and discomfort to the back of his mind. Yet it had paid off. He had survived and had worked till the end to not disappoint those around him; to not disobey. The only time he remembered he had ever disobeyed anyone had when he had defected to Earth and that he had also paid for in full…was still paying for. Branded a traitor and exiled he had lost the few ties he had managed to create from a life built upon others expectations and never his own.

“Lie still.” The sloppy and lust filled command cut through his wandering mind and he instinctively obeyed, trying to dig back into his own mind to forget what was happening to him. He just needed to start a thought…keep his mind wandering…

Earth had turned out to be an amazing place. Freed from the ingrown fear of those around him he had given in to the childish curiosity he had never gotten a chance to explore on Kelowna. Finding himself yet again under someone’s command he didn’t mind so much; the colonel wasn’t as bad as many of his teachers. At least he had never hit him though he hadn’t masked his displeasure at seemly everything Jonas did. No matter how much he tried to please him there seemed no way to make the colonel accept him. He knew he was blaming him for Dr. Jackson’s death but he doubted the colonel could lay more blame and guilt on him than he did himself.

He had tried everything to gain the colonel’s acceptance; been as accommodating as he could…Done his work in record time, memorized everything, studied Earth’s cultures, languages and way of doing things. He had sat on base studying whenever he wasn’t on a mission; studying till way past midnight. He still didn’t have any place else to go besides the base nor did he have any money. Going off world was the most amazing thing that happened to him even if the colonel would either plain ignore him or yell at him. Therefore he had also at first been very surprised when he had been asked to go with the team to a bar for a drink until he had found it to have been Sam’s idea of some team bonding. Since he got along just fine with Teal’c and Sam they had left the bar early, wanting Jack and him to grow closer though no such luck. Jack had seemed agitated with everything Jonas said and the more nervous he got the angrier Jack got and so it went on. Being too afraid to ask permission to leave Jonas had stayed at the bar with Jack, only taking small sips of his drink while Jack had swallowed one after another. In the cover of night and alcohol Jack had made an order Jonas had never expected him to make but he dared not disobey, afraid what would happen if he did. He had nowhere else to go if the SGC kicked him out and he had no other friends then the team. He was alone and needed them all and thus he did what he had been trained to do; he obeyed.

“I want you to say how much you want me.”

The drunken voice broke his thoughts again and Jonas fought to stay still as he had been ordered despite the discomfort the man towering above him inflicted upon him and his fear of what was about to happen.

“I…want you,” his voice was weaker than he would have liked but he got the words out and hoped he had done all right. Seemed so for the man smiled.

“Knew you would.”
Jonas closed his eyes and his hands wanted to find something to hold on to but all he could get a hold of were the sheets. In his drunken state he doubted his partner would notice he wasn’t at all interested in this for that was one part he couldn’t do on command no matter what threats might hang over his head. If he needed to subject himself to this to keep what he had and hopefully gain this man’s approval and acceptance…then there was no other way. You never disobey an order. It was the first thing he had been taught as a child and it still sat deep inside him. He just had to get through this…Put on a smile; he was good at pretending. Everything was going to be okay. Where was that place in his mind where he always used to go as a child? Where was his secret garden of peace and flowers? Had it died? No, it couldn’t have. He needed it now. He couldn’t go through this without it. How should he face tomorrow if…He needed to find it. The worst of what had happened to him growing up he had locked away; he hadn’t seen it…Not really. He had been safe in his garden. No one could touch him in the garden.

“I want you to say my name. Say how much you love me.”

The command was whispered against his ear, making him shiver despite his best efforts to separate himself from what was happening. It was okay. This was all okay. It needed to be done. It was a test…just like all the others. He just had to do what he was told, do as was expected and everything would be okay.

“I…love…you,” he forced the words out, closing his eyes as he did so, forcing away the thought of the implication in them. They were just words; nothing else. A hand closed around his throat and he fought for air by instinct even though the grip was loose and more threatening than harming.

“My name,” despite his drunken state the voice was still hard and frightening, with an almost desperate note to it. He released his grip on his throat and Jonas coughed for breath.

“I…love you…Jack,” it was the first time he had ever used his given name and somehow that realisation threatened to bring him down. No, the garden. He just had to go to the garden. He lay perfectly still as ordered, not daring to do anything as he fought to find his secret place…It had to be here. A suddenly sharp pain tore through him and forced a scream from his lips despite his efforts not to make a sound. Keeping his eyes shut he felt a demanding kiss being planted on his lips, a tongue forcing access and he responded automatically, forcing his feelings to the back of his mind. This was just his body; it was nothing. It wasn’t worse than anything else…Just a body. Pain shot through him as Jack moved again. God, it hurt like nothing he had ever felt before. Surely it couldn’t last much longer now. Needing to force his mind to keep busy he began to calculate how much Jack had been drinking and thus how long his torment had to go on; he was very drunk, surely…

“Daniel!”

The loud scream and the feeling of his release told Jonas that it was indeed over and the man above him collapsed exhausted on top of him, sliding out of him and mumbling something Jonas couldn’t make out. Jonas lay still as a corpse but nothing happened and when he tried to look at Jack he realized he must have fallen asleep. He began to feel cold and shivered, biting his lower lip in an attempt to control his shivers as to not wake Jack. It hadn’t been that bad…Tears began to force their way down his cheeks from behind closed lids. He had passed the test; he hadn’t disobeyed. He had done good…Surely Jack would think he had done good now.

“Lov’ you, Daniel,” Jack’s sleep induced and drunken voice mumbled into his naked chest and Jonas froze, all his hopes shattering. No, Jack wouldn’t change his mind about him in the morning. Come daylight he would still loathe him, he would still hate him…All for one simple reason; he was not and could never be Daniel Jackson.

Tears continued to creep down Jonas’s cheeks as he realized this had all been for nothing. He could not do anything right in Jack’s eyes no matter how hard he tried; he would never be able to. What did he have left now? All his life he had lived to fulfil others expectations…what could he do now if he couldn’t fulfil them?

The night seemed very dark and cold as silent tears continued to move down over pale cheeks. He had been willing to do anything, whatever it took, to win Jack’s affection…to win anyone’s affection. He was lost now. Where could he go from here after everything had come crashing down? Come dawn Jack would hate him even worse than before as soon as he realized what had happened but most importantly…when he realized he was not Daniel; never mind that he had never wished to take his place or be compared to him.

What could he do? He had never felt so alone or so lost…Never felt so humiliated and dirty in all his life. He didn’t want to cry but he couldn’t help it. Upon his chest Jack slept peacefully, a soft smile upon his lips as he whispered a single name, his voice filled with love and longing, “Daniel.”

And Jonas knew he could never win, no matter what he did for he was fighting ghosts. Jack’s weight suddenly felt like a million pounds, weighing him down and threatening to break him. It had all been in vain. Everything he had had, his pride, his soul, his past, his body, his dignity…All he had given away in the hope of a flicker of affection and it had not been enough. It could never be enough.

When the sun rose the coming morning the tears had left clear markings on Jonas’s cheeks though his eyes were now dry.

The End