The Pain Of Yesterday

By Nadja Lee 03-11-2000

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: “X-men” and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set a little after the movie

Universe: Set in the movie universe. Only the movie NOT the book that goes with it!

Pairing: None really, but if you want to see it then we have very mild Scott/Jean and Logan/Rogue

Summary: A young girl is brought to the mansion and Scott may be the only one who can help her.

Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: PG-13

Series: Part 1 in Pain Series but can easily be read as a stand-alone.

Thanks to Nancy for the Beta. You’re the best! *hugs*

Thanks to Cristina for the read through and encouragement.

Warning: Deals with child abuse.

*mmmm * is telepathically spoken in the mind. “ mmmmm ” is spoken out loud. // mmm // indicates flashback.

Author’s notes: Another VERY old fic I forgot all about. Hope it isn’t so bad that I should have let it stay lost *laughs*

This is for everyone who wrote me and told me to get a move on and just post this fic already! Thanks, guys.

Part 1:

“So, she still hasn’t spoken?” Xavier asked Scott, his voice serious and concerned as he looked at Scott from the other side of his desk in his office. He had called Scott to his office to hear if the newest mutant to have arrived at the mansion, a young girl named Sarah, was doing better. He had been concerned with her lack of verbal response as well as any signs of attachment to her surroundings upon her arrival but he had hoped she would get better when she became more familiar with the school.

“No, Sir.”

The reply held an edge of concern but the words were automatic. Xavier smiled at the young man who was like a son to him.

“I have told you repeatedly to just call me Charles.”

“I…I can’t do that,” Scott said uncomfortably and looked at his feet. It would bring Xavier too close to him; bring about an end to his defences…He couldn’t explain to himself nor to Xavier why it was such a hard thing for him to do, why it mattered so much, but it did.

I can’t. Please don’t ask it of me, he thought desperately.

“It’s ok, Scott,” Xavier said in a smoothing tone, having read his thoughts. “Maybe if you talked with her…” Xavier began, knowing Scott had been avoiding the young girl who had just been brought to them.

“Isn’t Jean better for that?” Scott asked, his voice holding a pleading edge.

“She doesn’t have your personal experiences in this.”

He saw the flicker of pain that fell over Scott’s face before he could repress it and added more kindly. “I know you can do it. She reminds me of you in many ways.”

*And that is why you have been avoiding her*, Xavier sent to him.

“I would rather not,” Scott said softly. He had worked so hard to try and forget his past; he didn’t wish to be reminded of it now.

“Do this. It’ll do you good,” Xavier said with a final edge to his voice, hating to play it the hard way but knowing that Scott wouldn’t agree to his suggestion unless he really insisted.

“Yes, sir,” Scott simply said and turned to leave, never even considering not to do as Xavier asked of him.

*I love you, son,* Xavier sent to Scott, wanting to take the commanding edge out of his suggestion that Scott talked with Sarah. He wouldn’t have insisted if not he thought it would do them both good. Through Scott’s feelings the words And I you, father, formed before he left Xavier’s office. Xavier smiled, knowing it was words Scott could never bring himself to actually speak nor say due to the scars his own childhood had left in him. But as a telepath, sensing the words in Scott’s emotions were more than enough.

Scott went in search of Sarah, the new girl, who had the mutant power of unusual quick bone growth inside and also outside her body. She was 16 years old and her mutation gave her an unusually gothic beauty but it wasn’t the only reason why she wasn’t hard to find. She was the only one not participating in Logan’s game of soccer that he had arranged for the children this Saturday. She sat on a bench and looked at the other children playing.

“Can I sit here?” Scott asked and Sarah merely nodded. “So, who is winning?” Scott asked her and she pointed to the red team with Rogue on it. Scott smiled despite himself. Logan was the only judge in the game and Scott suspected Logan of “overlooking” more mistakes on Rogue’s team than on the other.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them. Scott did not know what to say to her. She was a symbol of all the things he had worked so hard to forget.

“So, have you finished the mathematics report for class tomorrow?” Scott finally said, not knowing what else to say. His mutant abilities had helped him excel in that subject and he often sought to drive conversations towards subjects in which he knew he had the upper hand when he was nervous or insecure.

Good job. Talk about work, why don’t you?? She is sure to start talking of sheer excitement over a mathematical problem, Scott thought darkly to himself, mentally yelling at himself for his stupidity. She merely nodded, her eyes on the game before her. The silence stretched out between them until it felt like a physical presence between them. It all became too much for Scott and he almost ran away from Sarah. He went to the garage to work on his bike, which he often did when he was frustrated.

He fought to hold the memories back as he knelt beside his bike, running a loving hand over it. He picked up a rag and began to polish it, his thoughts running awry. Despite his mental command for his thoughts to stay in a black state, images he wished he could forget began to dance before his mind’s eye.

//

“You ungrateful bastard. Do you have any idea how much money you cost me?”

//

Scott began furiously polishing the side of his bike as if he could rub the pain and memory away.

//

“ I shall teach you how to show respect!”

“ Don’t. Please…Leave me alone.”

//

He rubbed viciously, not noticing the tears that had begun to run down his face as he remembered the feeling of pain and humiliation that the memories brought with them.

//

“This will teach you!” slap

“Don’t!!” slap

“ You’re nothing, you hear me, boy?? Nothing!” slap

“ Please stop...*sob*” slap

“ You’re nothing, y’hear? A freak. A fucking One-Eyed freak!”

/ /

Angrily Scott flung the rag across the room.

“Damn! Damn! Damn!” he said hotly and retrieved the rag but couldn’t continue his work. Instead he went inside the mansion. He heard voices in the kitchen and went in there, hoping that company would drive his memories away. Sarah and Logan were there and Scott looked at the list of who should make dinner and saw it was their turn.

“Can I help?” Scott asked. Sarah turned quickly around towards him, apparently startled, for she lost her grip on the plate she was holding and it shattered against the floor, breaking into a million pieces.

“Hey, watch it,” Logan grunted. Sarah backed frightened away from his angry tone and quickly bent to the floor, beginning to collect the pieces of the broken plate. Scott bent down and began helping her.

“It’s ok. He wouldn’t hurt you,” Scott whispered to her as he saw fear in her eyes. When the pieces had been collected and no punishment was forthcoming she looked confused, yet less fearful. She took out a new plate and went to put it on the table in the living room but as she was to leave she looked questioningly at Scott and he nodded and smiled reassuringly, understanding her silent question. “It’s ok. You can leave. There’s nothing more you need to help with.”

She gave a very small smile and left.

“She sure is jumpy,” Logan said and looked after her.

“Yeah,” Scott replied softly, lost in not-so-pleasant thoughts. “ So, what are we having?” Scott asked with forced cheerfulness.

“I don’t know,” Logan admitted and took off the lid of a steaming pot and looked down into it. “Some kind of meat.”

Part 2:

“Sarah, your report was very good,” Scott said as he handed her report back to her in class two weeks later. She smiled at him. Normally he didn’t tell one student that they were good in front of the rest of the class but he made an exception with Sarah. He knew from experience how important positive feedback was. The bell rang and the class scattered.

“ Remember; pages 45-55. ‘Till next time,” Scott yelled after them. He sighed as he saw Sarah walk out alone. He still hadn’t been able to make her talk, though admittedly he hadn’t tried more than a handful of times and the conversation had never left the trivial stage. He knew what he had to do but he just didn’t have the courage yet because it was as if as long as he didn’t voice it out loud he could pretend it had never happened.

“Where is Sarah?” Scott asked Rogue later that day, having decided to try yet one more time to see if he couldn’t get those words that spoke of memories he would rather forget past his lips. He owed it to her to try.

“In her room, Ah think,” she answered. Scott frowned. Sarah spent far too much time alone. He had to talk with her; there was no more time for his own fears. Determined, he went to her room and knocked on the door.

“Sarah? It’s Scott. May I come in?” When she did not open the door Scott got worried. “Sarah, please open the door. Are you ok?” Still no answer but he heard a faint sound of sniffling. “That’s it. I’m coming in.”

With ease Scott broke the locked door in with a well placed kick and found Sarah crumpled up in one corner of the room, hugging her knees and looking very fragile with tears running down her face but with eyes that seemed far away. “Ah, Sarah,” Scott said softly, his voice thick with emotions at seeing her so lost as he neared her slowly. “I mean you no harm. I will only help you,” he said smoothly. She watched him come towards her but when he was just one meter from her, she began shrinking further into the corner in fright. Scott stopped and sat down on the floor.

“No one will hurt you here, Sarah. Please believe me.” She didn’t answer, just looked at him with slightly dazed eyes. Scott took a deep breath, knowing he had to talk now. She had only been at the mansion for three weeks; why should she believe words she had probably heard many times before only to find they were untrue? She needed the truth; a truth she could relate to. “I know how you feel. You’re confused and don’t trust us.” Still no reply. “ I know because I’ve been there.”

Now she looked at him, truly looked at him, and Scott forced himself to continue. “I can’t promise you the pain will disappear because it never will but it will fade. And you are safe here. Whoever hurt you can’t find you here.”

She looked at him with big tearful eyes and Scott added, “I’ll take care of you. Together we can make it,” she moved just the slightest bit towards him and he tried to contain his happiness. “You see, I need your help,” his words were soft and serious.

“You…need…me???” Sarah asked brokenly, disbelief clear in her voice and Scott smiled softly, his heart jumping in happiness because he had made her talk.

“Yes, I do. I need you to help me to cope with my own pain.” He slowly reached out a hand towards her but didn’t try and grab her. “And I think you need my strength to move on,” he added kindly.

Sarah looked at his hand and slowly, carefully, laid her own smaller hand in his. He did not close his hand around it. She looked questioningly at him.

“ I would never do anything to you that you haven’t asked me to,” he whispered, remembering how he had feared any adult’s touch for so long. Even when Xavier had touched his hand, he would wince. She smiled softly and gently closed his fingers over her hand with her other hand and went towards him. Tryingly she stopped before him and when he did not reach for her she went into his embrace and cried on his shoulder. Cried for so many years of fear and loneliness. Scott stroked her hair in a soothing manner and mumbled calming words to her and did not realise that he was crying too, for her but also for himself. Often the only one to cry for you is yourself but today Scott cried for Sarah as well.

Part 3:

“She seems to be doing fine,” Xavier commented as he looked out at Sarah in the garden from his office window eight months later.

“Yes, sir,” Scott said and smiled slightly. He had come to love the girl a great deal. She was like the daughter he would never have. The thought made him flinch. He of course understood Jean’s reasons for not wanting children; they had dangerous lives and hectic jobs, just to mention a few. Another reason was that the child might inherit his deadly eyes and he didn’t want any child to go through what he had, but still he loved children. A part of him still hoped that Jean might change her mind one day, even though she was a modern career woman and children did not fit into her schedule. Besides she had enough children, she said. She had the school and he could understand that and knew that Xavier felt that way as well.

“She is very fond of you,” Xavier said with a smile.

“I know.”

Scott turned to leave but then looked back at Xavier and did something that he had never done before. He knelt by Xavier’s chair and hugged the other man.

“I love you,” Scott whispered softly, finally saying the words he had never spoken before to anyone after he had arrived at the mansion. Then he quickly got up and left the room, almost as if he was afraid over his own emotions finally shining through. Xavier smiled warmly after him, happy to know that Scott had come a step closer to repairing the damage he had been subjected to as a child. Knowing Scott would worry whether or not his confession would be used against him and knowing of his feelings of insecurity, Xavier send a simple but warm mental message to him.

* I love you too, my son*

Xavier knew that Scott had survived his childhood by keeping everyone at a distance. Still to this day his childhood had left scars so deep that Xavier had feared he would never allow anyone to love him or be loved back. Helping Sarah had led to helping himself, too, as Xavier had hoped. It wasn’t like Xavier, or Jean for that matter, ever doubted the depth of Scott’s love for them because, as telepaths, his love was as clear to them as if he had written a sign for them to read. Non- telepathic people, however, would often mistake his defences as coldness, which was far from the truth. Scott was one of the most sensitive people he knew. Maybe, just maybe, Scott now had the courage to try and open up to people. That thought made Xavier’s smile stay on his lips for a long time, feeling he had come so much closer to having truly saved Scott for often it is the soul that needs the most saving and healing and not the body.

The End